I could tell by the sound of her voice as soon as I answered the phone that I wasn't going to like what I was about to hear. It was clear she had been crying. After almost 3 years it looks as though this is the beginning of the end of the fight. For days now dad has not been sleeping. While not proven, the doctor thinks the tumors have now moved to the brain. I feel as though we characters from a Grey's Anatomy episode, one where there is no happy ending. One they throw in there just to remind people that not everyone lives... no matter how bad we want it.
I just laid in my bed for several seconds after the phone disconnected. Hoping that it was just a realistic dream. I know I should go next door for a visit, and soon I will. Mom says dad is so heavily medicated that he really doesn't know what is going on, but he has been on the drugs for a few days now and I have gotten used to the random questions like "are you going to watch the fireworks?" How I really wish I could just hide away till it all passes. However, my mom deserves to have her daughter by her side so she does not need to do this alone. What I hate more than knowing that it's almost the end is the part where I don't know the exact end. Because somehow I think that might just make it easier. So I will allow myself a few more tears, some time with my dusty Bible(I did tell God I wanted to get back in touch), and the fight the cold wind to go over to face what I fear.
Job26
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
A week of firsts
The first week of the new year has been completed. With that first week brought a lot of other firsts for me. Some small and some that will be a little more meaningful.
One of my goals this year is like most... to work out more. Unlike most I started this resolution off on January 1st with a visit to a Chinese buffet with Brandon followed on January 2nd with a trip to a pizza buffet with Brandon and his brother. However on the 4th it was off to Laker Elementary and off to more reasonable eating menu. Over the course of the week, I put in 30 minutes on Wii Fit. And on Saturday decided I deserved a day of rest. Today I will settle for a few games of bowling and maybe some boxing.
Another more important first was week at Lakers. With that week I am only 11 weeks away from graduating. And I have to admit I loved it. It was far less structured than any classroom I have ever been in but I liked that the children had responsibility and choice. They needed a little kick in the right direction every few minutes but overall they felt like they were in charge. I have already bonded with several of the students and am banking on that bond to get them to work hard for me over the next 11 weeks. They don't know this but I have pretty high expectations for them.
I read my first book of the year also. Actually it is probably one of the few books I have read from start to finish over the last 5 years. Letters Left Behind I picked it up from the library on Tuesday and found it hard to put down. I would read it in the morning before the students arrived, while the students were at recess, and after school while I was waiting for Mrs.Salsbury to finish up her classroom work. It's was a tear-jerker. I had to at times put it down when the kids were around in fear that I would cry in front of them. It's the journal of the parents of a 6 year old girl who is diagnosed with Brain cancer. The story itself is touching enough but I began to see how it related to my own life. In my class I have a little girl (who I will call Gabby) and when she seen what I was reading asked me what it was about. I replied "It's about a little girl who has a tumor in her brain." Her eyes grew big and she relied " I had a tumor in my brain, they took it out when I was sleeping." This little girl in my class has really pulled on my heart strings already. I dreaded that she would ask what happened to the little girl, because how do you tell a girl who had a brain tumor that another little girl died as a result of one. Lucky for me that didn't come up and I believe Gabby believes the little girl in my book lived just like she did. Gabby also reminds me of the little girl in the book because of her letters. Just like Elena in the story she draws pictures and writes short little notes. I have a drawing with stars that says "you are the best" and a little sticky note that simply asks "how are you" . As the story continued however it took me away from Gabby and reminded me more of my dad's own battle with cancer. Just this week he has been given a pick line to receive pain medication. He weighs only a few pounds more than me and spent most of the past week in bed. I distance myself, keeping busy in my duplex and trying not to think of it. I know it's not the best way of dealing with it, but for me it's what I can handle right now. Someday I might regret not spending this time with him, but right now my thoughts are I don't want to remember these moments. If I do go over to the house its to give my mom someone to make small talk with so she too can escape from reality for a few minutes. I wish I had the strength to be over there more for her sake. So instead I spend time with my dad in my own duplex uploading pictures from our past summers trip to Maine. When people passing us thought we were just a normal father and daughter on a motorcycle all the way from Michigan... not as a father who was fighting a terminal cancer that was cheating his daughter of more summer trips on that motorcycle.
One of my goals this year is like most... to work out more. Unlike most I started this resolution off on January 1st with a visit to a Chinese buffet with Brandon followed on January 2nd with a trip to a pizza buffet with Brandon and his brother. However on the 4th it was off to Laker Elementary and off to more reasonable eating menu. Over the course of the week, I put in 30 minutes on Wii Fit. And on Saturday decided I deserved a day of rest. Today I will settle for a few games of bowling and maybe some boxing.
Another more important first was week at Lakers. With that week I am only 11 weeks away from graduating. And I have to admit I loved it. It was far less structured than any classroom I have ever been in but I liked that the children had responsibility and choice. They needed a little kick in the right direction every few minutes but overall they felt like they were in charge. I have already bonded with several of the students and am banking on that bond to get them to work hard for me over the next 11 weeks. They don't know this but I have pretty high expectations for them.
I read my first book of the year also. Actually it is probably one of the few books I have read from start to finish over the last 5 years. Letters Left Behind I picked it up from the library on Tuesday and found it hard to put down. I would read it in the morning before the students arrived, while the students were at recess, and after school while I was waiting for Mrs.Salsbury to finish up her classroom work. It's was a tear-jerker. I had to at times put it down when the kids were around in fear that I would cry in front of them. It's the journal of the parents of a 6 year old girl who is diagnosed with Brain cancer. The story itself is touching enough but I began to see how it related to my own life. In my class I have a little girl (who I will call Gabby) and when she seen what I was reading asked me what it was about. I replied "It's about a little girl who has a tumor in her brain." Her eyes grew big and she relied " I had a tumor in my brain, they took it out when I was sleeping." This little girl in my class has really pulled on my heart strings already. I dreaded that she would ask what happened to the little girl, because how do you tell a girl who had a brain tumor that another little girl died as a result of one. Lucky for me that didn't come up and I believe Gabby believes the little girl in my book lived just like she did. Gabby also reminds me of the little girl in the book because of her letters. Just like Elena in the story she draws pictures and writes short little notes. I have a drawing with stars that says "you are the best" and a little sticky note that simply asks "how are you" . As the story continued however it took me away from Gabby and reminded me more of my dad's own battle with cancer. Just this week he has been given a pick line to receive pain medication. He weighs only a few pounds more than me and spent most of the past week in bed. I distance myself, keeping busy in my duplex and trying not to think of it. I know it's not the best way of dealing with it, but for me it's what I can handle right now. Someday I might regret not spending this time with him, but right now my thoughts are I don't want to remember these moments. If I do go over to the house its to give my mom someone to make small talk with so she too can escape from reality for a few minutes. I wish I had the strength to be over there more for her sake. So instead I spend time with my dad in my own duplex uploading pictures from our past summers trip to Maine. When people passing us thought we were just a normal father and daughter on a motorcycle all the way from Michigan... not as a father who was fighting a terminal cancer that was cheating his daughter of more summer trips on that motorcycle.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Unknown
I love organization, lists, and schedules. So being a new year and all it just seems logical that its time to come up with some new ones. Today was my trial run on my new Monday.
6am: Wake Up
7am : Leave for work
4pm: arrive home
5pm: Workout
6pm: Clean bedroom/living room
7pm: Dinner
8pm: Scrapbook
9pm: Bed and TV time
10pm: Goodnight phone call to Brandon and sleep
Today was my first day student teaching at Laker Elementary with my upper elementary special education students. It is a huge change from my last semester, but I think that I am going to fall into the routine. I actually find myself enjoying the loose structure and ability for students to make a lot of their own work choices. There are so many different work ethics and attentions spans with my students. I am also really liking the fact that there are only 13 students and I have a chance at times to have quality one-on-one time with students. Granted this was only day one, so there is the possibility for a change in my emotions but for now I am going to enjoy it for what it is. It is rather exciting to know that this is the last semester before I graduate. Only 12 weeks stand between me and the end of my undergraduate career. I probably should start work on my resume and all that fine print and red line crap.
The man who can make hard things easy is the educator.
6am: Wake Up
7am : Leave for work
4pm: arrive home
5pm: Workout
6pm: Clean bedroom/living room
7pm: Dinner
8pm: Scrapbook
9pm: Bed and TV time
10pm: Goodnight phone call to Brandon and sleep
Today was my first day student teaching at Laker Elementary with my upper elementary special education students. It is a huge change from my last semester, but I think that I am going to fall into the routine. I actually find myself enjoying the loose structure and ability for students to make a lot of their own work choices. There are so many different work ethics and attentions spans with my students. I am also really liking the fact that there are only 13 students and I have a chance at times to have quality one-on-one time with students. Granted this was only day one, so there is the possibility for a change in my emotions but for now I am going to enjoy it for what it is. It is rather exciting to know that this is the last semester before I graduate. Only 12 weeks stand between me and the end of my undergraduate career. I probably should start work on my resume and all that fine print and red line crap.
The man who can make hard things easy is the educator.
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